Sorry I haven’t posted in afew days. Was a hard day smoked like 2 packs, I’m on holiday on where my dad used to live but it fucking sucks. Yesterday i decided to turn vegan but today I wanted to be raw vegan now so I only eat raw foods with no animal products. My step mum and dad had a go at me saying my diet is out of control I will have to go to social services or like rehab whatever the fuck it is. Sometime I wish everyone would just leave me the fuck alone. Toby texted me last night, he said he wanted to see me. I said we should meet up when we get back , he didn’t want to. He wanted to come to my house when my parents arnt home , does that mean he wants to have sex? Is he just using me? Does he even care at all? I miss him but I wish he missed me, feeling used is one of the worst feelings I have ever felt. because it’s more like a thought, a voice in the back of my mind telling me he doesn’t realllly want me, I am just an object. Someone he can brag about, I’ve heard stories about fucking twats breaking a girls virginity so they can brag about it. My friend had sex 4 times in one night with 4 different people, one of these people happened to be the one to break her verginity. Life lesson being easy fucking sucks. If people think ur easy decent guys will go no where near you and everyone else are just dicks who want a blow job. Be careful what you do and who you do it with. Trust me I know.
I think being the youngest in my year gives me more pressure to have sex first and do things first. I feel pressure not to rules of a the young one. I would have sex with Toby, but I don’t want to be thrown out like trash, I want him to care. Not just to come over have sex and go. But i guess it would be ok, just so next time I’m experienced. He means something to me but by doing stuff with him am I just proving the fact I am ‘easy’ and he won’t see me as anything more 😦 !!!!!
Ps took this photo today on the beach where I met a nice old man, he was tanned with grey crispy hair, very slender and he had a ancient soul. You could tell his wisdom was great. So he asked me if I was okay. I replied ‘I hope so’. Silence followed as we stared on the horizon. I could feel his head turn and stare at me as the gentle waves crept onto my toes. He told me every struggle in my life will shape me into the person God wants me to be. He told me to be thankful for the hard times, in the end I will come out stronger. The nice old men left, but I felt his presence when he was gone. Like his soul rested on the golden sand.
Do you ever just stare at your reflection. I want to know who I am, that I was placed on this earth for a reason. I want to wake up every morning with a drive, a determination to be more then what society perceives me as : a fucked up kid with problems. In the mirror I search for answers, for who I am and what I am meant to be. Letting my looks define me seems to be the easy route in life, but happiness comes from the soul. Being true to who you are and maintaining a constant positive mentality is what we are told to do. Don’t hide from yourself, blah blah blah! Arnt you fucking bored, I’m sick of hearing the same shit from different frigid memories of authority.
My life hasn’t been easy, there is no doubt. My parents seperated when I was 6, I never understood why. two months ago I realise my mother had a ongoing cycle of betrayal with a disgusting man I am forced to call my step father. Being verbally and sometimes physically abused by girls who I once called my best friends, has really changed me as a person. That was at my old old school, a elite all girls boarding school. Then I was taken to a new school, these where some of the happiest days of my life. And it was the first time I was placed in an environent with boys! I made so many unforgettable friends and memories, only one day when I was sitting on the gold course with my best friends. I woman I didn’t reconise grabbed my arm and told me I had to go. She brought me back to my boarding house and watched while I packed up my belongings, then I was physically locked in small room in the medical centre overnight until my driver came to collect me the next morning. That was by far the worst day of my life, I screamed and cried as I watched the life I had built for myself shatter into a million shards of glass with deep deadly cuts piercing into my soul. All I was left with was my reflection, in my broken broken mirror.
Have to go now I will tell u more later thanks for reading xxx
When the gentle Caribbean sun peaked through my broken blind i snatched my phone out of the charger. Frantically scrolling through my messages, today felt like a good day, but not one from toby. there was nothing. I miss him so much, the way he smiles when he tilts his head and spreads his teeth so wide you could see his missing canines. When he laughs his crystal eyes open to the size of his heart And on those precious occasions when he cries his face goes rose red and buries it into his sweater. Toby Scott I love you. And whatever happens I always will.
I dont really know why I’m doing this, but since im being homeschooled now because getting kicked out of two ‘elite english boarding schools’ is a line crosser my therapist told me to start a blog, like who the fuck reads blogs. I guess its supposed to help with anger towards my bitch of a mum and the hell that is my life. Might as well tell you about it, not like I have anything better to do. Don’t know how to work this fucking thing but have fun reading bitches ;))))))