Sorry I haven’t posted in afew days. Was a hard day smoked like 2 packs, I’m on holiday on where my dad used to live but it fucking sucks. Yesterday i decided to turn vegan but today I wanted to be raw vegan now so I only eat raw foods with no animal products. My step mum and dad had a go at me saying my diet is out of control I will have to go to social services or like rehab whatever the fuck it is. Sometime I wish everyone would just leave me the fuck alone. Toby texted me last night, he said he wanted to see me. I said we should meet up when we get back , he didn’t want to. He wanted to come to my house when my parents arnt home , does that mean he wants to have sex? Is he just using me? Does he even care at all? I miss him but I wish he missed me, feeling used is one of the worst feelings I have ever felt. because it’s more like a thought, a voice in the back of my mind telling me he doesn’t realllly want me, I am just an object. Someone he can brag about, I’ve heard stories about fucking twats breaking a girls virginity so they can brag about it. My friend had sex 4 times in one night with 4 different people, one of these people happened to be the one to break her verginity. Life lesson being easy fucking sucks. If people think ur easy decent guys will go no where near you and everyone else are just dicks who want a blow job. Be careful what you do and who you do it with. Trust me I know.
I think being the youngest in my year gives me more pressure to have sex first and do things first. I feel pressure not to rules of a the young one. I would have sex with Toby, but I don’t want to be thrown out like trash, I want him to care. Not just to come over have sex and go. But i guess it would be ok, just so next time I’m experienced. He means something to me but by doing stuff with him am I just proving the fact I am ‘easy’ and he won’t see me as anything more 😦 !!!!!
Ps took this photo today on the beach where I met a nice old man, he was tanned with grey crispy hair, very slender and he had a ancient soul. You could tell his wisdom was great. So he asked me if I was okay. I replied ‘I hope so’. Silence followed as we stared on the horizon. I could feel his head turn and stare at me as the gentle waves crept onto my toes. He told me every struggle in my life will shape me into the person God wants me to be. He told me to be thankful for the hard times, in the end I will come out stronger. The nice old men left, but I felt his presence when he was gone. Like his soul rested on the golden sand.